Timothy Tidwhistle is an assumed name, but rest assured he is a very real person. If you need advice send us a message at holler@thelouisvillepaper.com
—Mgmt.
I really want my fiancé and I to do a photo shoot with our dogs and cats where we all have on matching outfits. I already bought us all bowties! My fiancé says he’ll sooner die than do that, much less have it caught on film (or in a digital file, I suppose) for perpetuity. If he loves me, shouldn’t he play along to make me happy?
Good God. You sound like someone that takes their whole family to Sears for a photo. I mean, you don’t need a photograph of him, your dogs, your cats, and your dead grandmother in a bowtie. You’re lucky he even spends time with you and those… how many animals do you have? Anyway, it doesn’t make any difference. NO. We do not make everyone dress up in little costumes to have photographs made. And, if he asked you to do something that you didn’t want to do, like, say, pose nude on a telephone pole at 18th and Market, would you do it? Of course not. Any time that people say no, it means no.
I’ve been hearing the word ‘hipster’ for a while now. I’m an older fellow and thought it referred to anyone my age that has had a hip replaced, but I guess not. Can you tell me who or what a hipster is?
You’re beyond old. You’re just not ok. Hipster. Why didn’t you think it was a girl with big hips? Hipster means someone who is hip, idiot! Hip means they’re in tune with the current culture, as it is alive. Your culture is obviously dead. It died in the petri dish.
Winter isn’t even over, and yet, my allergies are killing me. My daily routine of nasal sprays, allergy pills, and nasal irrigation is really putting a damper on my personal life – to be honest, my girlfriend finds me disgusting. Is there any way to beat the Ohio Valley crud?
Yes, there is a way to beat the Ohio Valley Crud. It’s called death. There’re a lot of people in Cave Hill who no longer complain about the treatments, the shots, the pills, and all the trips to the doctor. I have no idea how you’re going to clear that up, but if you find out, would you let the rest of us know? We’re all suffering just like you. I used to think that people made up their complaints about allergies, but now that I have them… oh my god. What a pain in the nose.
Dear Timothy,
If you had the opportunity to do it all over again, what would you do for your 21st birthday?
My 21st birthday. My god. That’s quite a while ago, my dear. I probably would hook the horse up to the carriage, ride down Cherokee Road to Jack Fry’s, and have Jack Fry fix me a drink. He would be behind the bar, as he was when I was 21, and his wife would be in the kitchen making cheeseburgers.
Honestly, I don’t think I’d change anything about it. You can’t change it, you can’t re-write it, you can’t wish for something that didn’t happen. Look at it this way. If you live to be 21, you’re fortunate you lived to be that old. If you live long enough to think about how much better it could have been, you’re an idiot.
Dear Timothy,
I’m concerned about the state of planet Earth. Have we screwed it up beyond all repair, and most importantly, will we ever have a good, city-shutting-down-snowstorm again?
Ah. Let us pray. The old city-shutting-down-snowstorm. I think I missed those while I was in the Bahamas. It was very painful to have missed the snow while on a small little island, in the tropic heat, in the sunshine. I would like to have another one, just to experience it. It’s kind of like what I would have liked to have had on my 21st birthday.
Anyway. We have done a lot of damage to this planet, and we will continue to do so, because we are selfish, egocentric, and live in a country whose whole focus is on the almighty dollar. Changing things isn’t looking like it’s going to happen. I look at it this way: the Earth will just belch us off, and it will survive. However, we won’t be around to enjoy the way it was long ago, before we got here, or the way it will be in the future, after we’re gone.
I have a group of friends that I really love, but their favorite thing to do is eat out at hip new restaurants. It’s always a really great time, but I much prefer a beer and a burger to the overpriced (and undersized) organic-filet-of-grass-fed-goat-with-artisan-crème-fraiche-reduction-and-microgreens that’s always on the menu. How do I keep my friends and ditch the foodie repasts?
Ducky. You’re not going to change them. If you want changes, you have to change. You’re either going to have to learn to love the goat that was grown naturally in the middle of Broadway, or you find new friends. Find your own kind who enjoy going to eat at the big burger and beer place and getting all greasy. That’s your choice. Obviously, you’re not one for linen napkins… you’re kind enjoys the cheap paper version… so stay out of those restaurants!
You know that movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off? Of course you do. Well, as I head into my 30s and grow more entrenched in my daily, 9-5 corporate culture, I’m worried that I’m becoming more Jeanie and less Ferris. How did I become so uptight?! How can I regain my mischievous spirit and love of parades?!
It’s too late for you. If you haven’t been having fun all this time, you don’t know how to. You’re an uptight corporate sphincter. Get over it. You chose it. There’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing, but you should be able to have fun. There are people who are born to have fun, there are people that are born to be miserable, and there are people in between. You’re mostly in between, but veering over toward the miserable. I doubt very seriously if you can shackle off all those business suits, all those emails, all those cell phone, and get free. I can’t see you sitting on a park bench with a good book. Just give it up. You are what you are. Some people use drugs for that, but I wouldn’t advise it.
I think I might be a better person if I lived in a warmer climate. Is there any way to test this hypothesis without packing up everything and selling the farm?
Why, yes! Just turn the thermostat up to 90, put on your bathing suit, or walk around nude in your house! That’s how hot it’s going to be all the time where you’re going. If you want to pack it up and go, go ahead! We are not going to miss you. Therefore, if you want to go where it’s warmer, go down with those 400-year-old people in Florida. They have a good time. Really! Maybe you’ll find a big ball of something floating in a swimming pool! That’s life… if you want to get hot, get hot!
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