Dearest Timothy,
I’m going to a clothing optional pool party and I’m wondering if I have what it takes to fly free? Should I prepare to be the creeper in baggy trunks squinting at all the soft, sexy earth tones? Is it even sanitary to splash around in the cool waves along with all the untethered tadpoles and unfettered folds? On or off?
Tadpoles and folds? Are you trying to cleverly talk about penises and vaginas? Come on. Nobody really cares whether you keep your bathing suit on or off. Unless you have a wonderful unit to show everyone, don’t worry about it. You’re not a porn star. And I hope that the people you’re hanging out with aren’t either. Unless you’re remaking “Rollergirl,” don’t worry about it.
Listen. Going nude can be a very freeing experience. You should at least try it once. I once went to a farm where part of the farm was nude and part of it wasn’t. It was an experience I will never forget. It was wonderful. Throw your bathing trunks away and stop worrying about someone seeing your little tadpole.
My partner and I have been together for the better part of a decade. We’re really happy and in no particular rush to get married. We’re committed, monogamous, and crazy about each other. Things are good. However, my extended family seems to think that there must be something intrinsically wrong with our relationship since we haven’t hustled down the aisle. Every time I see one of my nosy aunts, it’s, “Are you guys still dating?” “When is he going to ask you to marry him?” “What are you waiting for?”
Honestly, their questions seem more motivated by the desire to throw a “traditional” shower for me (complete with tiny ham sandwiches and embarrassing shower games) and drink Seven and 7s at my reception. It doesn’t seem to come from a place of legitimate concern or support. How do I deal with these rude, nosy relatives?
Well, if your relatives only drink Seven and 7s, they’re obviously no good anyway. I wouldn’t pay any attention to them. They couldn’t be OK. Seven and 7? Are you kidding me?
Listen, nobody should care if you get married anyway. Forget those old people. Sixty, maybe 70 percent of all marriages end in divorce now. Tell them you’re trying to put divorce lawyers out of business by not getting married.
Give me a break. If you were gay or lesbian, would they be hollering about you hurrying to get married? Pitiful. They are pitiful. Not everyone needs to get married, not everyone needs to have children, and not everyone even needs to be in a relationship. We are all different.
Tell them to drink some more Seven and 7s and leave you alone.
I am seriously grossed out by noisy chewers. How do I get over this pet peeve?
There’s no way to get over it. They shouldn’t be chewing with their mouths open. What are they eating, gravel? I mean, what is wrong with the people you’re eating with? I have known a noisy chewer or two, but they probably aren’t around anymore because someone probably got so annoyed with them they put them down. If it bothers you that much, put them down yourself.
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost 5 years. We moved in together last year. I’m almost 30 and I want to start having kids. My boyfriend always says he doesn’t want kids, but adds, “I could change my mind a year from now, or later, or sooner. I’m not sure.” I think that is the shittiest, flakiest response ever. Should I dump him?
I think you should stick your birth control pills up his lower tract. That would be one solution. If you’re doing the rhythm method, maybe you should join a reggae band.
The thing about it is, if he doesn’t want to have kids, he doesn’t have to have kids. Tell him you’re thinking about having a child with someone else. You’ve found a very good, very attractive, and very intelligent donor. Not only that, tell him that he is a delightful human being, unlike, obviously, him.
You’ve been with him for 5 years. I don’t know what to tell you, other than agree that he is indeed flaky. Problem is, you picked him. I didn’t.
I moved into a new apartment about 3 months ago. I like my roommate, but she moves and uses my stuff a lot and she claims ownership of things that are obviously mine. I want to rip her head off. Can you give me any advice for dealing with this in a mature, nonviolent manner?
It’s called a lock. You put it on a door. You turn a key. I’m not talking about the kind where you push a button. I am talking about a deadbolt. Now, if she’s using your spatula, I don’t give a damn. But if she’s wearing your underwear out on a bad date, I can understand.
If you’re sharing a bathroom, you should put all of your stuff in one of those carrying cases with the handle on it. Come and go out of the bathroom with all your stuff in tow. If you forget to bring something in, use her stuff. That’s what you do. Use all of it. Use her toothbrush to scrub the bottom of your shoes and the tires of your car. Give her something to complain about.
Lock your doors. It’s simple. That’s why we have locks on our doors and cars – so people can’t come in and use our stuff. Simple.
You are a victim. Stop being a victim. Call a locksmith. Ciao.
TIMOTHY TIDWHISTLE IS AN ASSUMED NAME, BUT REST ASSURED HE IS A VERY REAL PERSON. IF YOU NEED
ADVICE, SEND US A MESSAGE AT HOLLER@THELOUISVILLEPAPER.COM
—MGMT.
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