Timothy Tidwhistle is an assumed name, but rest assured he is a very real person.
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—Mgmt.
My winter blues seem to get worse the older I get. I’m disgusted with myself, but I’m starting to understand why people retire to Florida! What can I do to make the drab, gray, Louisville winter more bearable?
Well the reason the old people move to Florida, according to Leonardo DaVinci, is that your skin gets thinner as you get older, so you get colder. First of all, you could put on a sweater. Second, you could get one of those nasty blanket things you wrap yourself up in, get on the couch, and watch some TV. The third thing you could do is go take some tap dancing lessons. Maybe you would run into some wonderful Latin lover. Maybe it would be good for you, you know, to put your left leg on his right shoulder. The other thing you could do is just take a hot bath. You’ll be fine. Geographical cures don’t work. Never do.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for years, and I’m crazy about him. I was really expecting to find an engagement ring under the tree on Christmas, but I woke to find a basket of bubble bath and lotion from Bath and Body Works and a set of flannel pajamas. I ain’t gettin’ any younger. How do I get my man’s rear in gear?
You obviously had his rear in gear before without the ring, so why do you think he’s going to give you a ring to get his rear in gear again? The thing about it is, marriage is not exactly what it used to be, my dear. Weddings aren’t either. But the divorce rate is really high… the best thing about marriage is it helps divorce lawyers make a great deal of money. The thing about it is, if you have a good relationship and you’re happy with this man, you don’t need a piece of paper and a ring to make sure you get along. A good relationship is worth having whether you’re married or not.
Maybe there are some people out there in those buildings with the crosses on top that won’t agree with me, but a lot of those people aren’t happily married, either.
My wife is photographer and I want to get her a camera for our upcoming anniversary, but I know next to nothing about the subject because, well, let’s be honest here, she’s my wife so I rarely listen to anything she says.
My point here is I’ve heard a lot about pixel count and resolution playing a pretty key role in other people’s decision-making process. Do you think there is more I should look for in a camera? Like, what about color? Do you think it should be pink?
There is something wrong with you. You don’t buy a camera for someone just like you don’t buy a dog for someone. First of all, if she’s a photographer, she knows exactly what she wants and what she needs. Number two, pink ain’t gonna get it, brotha’. Listen here. If she’s a professional photographer, or even really serious about it, black is the only way to go.
In a world filled with email, texting, instant messaging, and so on, is the thank you note outmoded? I guess what I’m getting at is… do I have to write thank you notes for all these Christmas gifts I got last month?
Yes, you do. It’s the last vestige of civility. If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it. If you just want to be some ordinary old computer hag, then don’t write your thank you notes. But if you want to be a polite social being, you get out a pen, you get some nice writing paper, you sit at your desk, and you write a nice thank you note. If you didn’t like the present, then lie. Thank you. Have a good day.
Every year I make a resolution to be a nicer person, but I find myself gossiping and being snarky by the first week of February at the latest. Should I just resolve to be mean?
You’re doing better than most people. What do you mean, you make it to February? I doubt that seriously. A couple drinks on New Year’s Eve, and I bet you’re just as snide and rude and crude as you ever were. You don’t remember it though… that’s the good part about it. Everybody tries to be nicer, however, maybe it’s not in your DNA. You know, some people are nice… other people aren’t. You’re fulfilling a role. Think of it that way. Your job in the human species is to be rude, crude, and ugly, and that’s ok… it just makes people appreciate the nice people more.
My sister recently broke up with her girlfriend of six years. Although she is devastated, the family is secretly thrilled because we didn’t much like the girl. I let her move in with me to get back on her feet, but it’s been almost three months now, and there’s no sign of her leaving. How do I remain supportive while asking her to give me my space?
“Oh my god. I’m the nice sister. Come stay with me! But don’t unpack your bags, sweetpea, and for god’s sake, no, you don’t get the guest room. You sleep on the couch. I am a generous soul to my sister.”
Be nice. Let her stay there for a while, until her anger comes in, and then she can finally be mad not only at you for being so uncharitable, but she’ll finally come to hate that SOB – that stands for Son of a Biscuit. Then she’ll be better off because she doesn’t have to deal with either one of you. Lucky girl.
Last year, my resolution was to quit smoking, but I have gained a lot of weight in the process. Is it ok to start smoking again so I can shed the pounds?
No, it’s not ok to start smoking again. Smoking is a horrible, horrible thing and everyone knows it. The people that run around smoking are just in denial. I mean, maybe you should just take the filters off the cigarettes and eat the filters. They don’t have any caloric value, I’m sure. The other thing you have to remember is that you just have to eat less. I don’t know if it’s your metabolism or the fact that the tobacco is killing you that you lose weight. If you want to die thin, go ahead, keep smoking. Buy a whole carton! Smoke everyday! Eventually you’ll have a voice like Gravel Gertie. Of course, you probably don’t remember Gravel Gertie if you’re young enough to still be smoking. She had a voice like she was gargling gravel and ground glass. The people that smoke heavily sound like that too… but you’ll be thin. Don’t forget that. You’ll be thin.
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