It’s only as you get a little older that you really start to understand the value of planning. Looking ahead and planning wisely sometimes requires us to ask tough questions, some of which have tough answers. Did I put enough money in my Roth IRA to send my kids to bartending school? Should I get some kind of booster shot for this opossum bite? How important is changing the oil in my car actually? Good questions all. Another perennial doozy, both uncomfortable and important in equal measure, is: Am I hung-over or am I still basically drunk?
This may seem like an academic distinction, but it makes all the difference in the world. See, if you’re still drunk when you wake up, what you’re experiencing doesn’t technically count as a hangover. It’s just the second part of a bender performed in two acts with a nap break in the middle. It’s disorienting and, at first blush, seems really unpleasant. Stay positive though and think of it as an opportunity to strategize, and, if not evade, at the very least plan for the arrival of your hangover with grace and dignity.
Luckily, just in time for the Kentucky Derby, Hair of Dog Industries is launching its new Booze Meter Medical Pendant to assist you in making this important and critically under-represented distinction. The HOD 3000 is a hands-free device, indistinguishable from a nasty little pawn shop gold chain. When worn around your neck, it records your vital signs 24/7, is wirelessly linked to a powerful artificial intelligence cloud network, and features state of the art voice recognition software with high-tech algorithms that will determine your status based on the following essential pieces of information: vital signs, geographic location, prior activities and subsequent potential consequences, current physical status, and possible recuperative measures.
When you wake up feeling not quite yourself, you just give the voice command and the HOD 3000 will engage you in a series of prompts and questions, remarkably similar to a very comforting conversation with Frank Sinatra, which will pinpoint your exact location on the spectrum that invariably terminates in a dismal and crippling hangover. What follows is a transcript from a test run I performed in the name of science and humanitarian welfare.
JM Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up! (Silence.) Damn. I meant, Help! I need to know if I’m still drunk or if I am hung-over.
FS And how, buster. You got a little tight last night, didn’t you?
JM Is that you, God?
FS Button that lip, Charly. He’s the Chief; I’m just the chairman. It’s me, Franky baby.
JM Frank Sinatra, am I alive?
FS Just barely, buster. Just barely.
JM It’s so dark. Am I in jail?
FS No, but you were acting like a real crumb. It’s a wonder you didn’t spend the night in the can, Charly. That was some clam bake you went to. Yesss man! A real gasser.
JM Damn. I actually passed out inside an overturned, abandoned horse trailer next to Kid Rock, didn’t I?
FS Yessss man. And I think it’s time we high-tailed it out of here too, junior. This guy’s nuthin’ but a bum. He’s the original Major Bowes Amateur Hour loser, dig? Let’s don’t be seen with him or you’ll never be able to side up to another bird in this town again, you follow me Charly?
JM Frank Sinatra, I didn’t really understand a word you just said. Maybe I need a drink to clear my head.
FS A toot?
JM Yeah, a toot.
FS Well, I think that’s a capital idea, buster! I like the cut of your jib, old boy. Let’s get you straightened up and out of this dump. Then we’ll head down to the copa before the morning rush. After that we’ll get you back home and set you down in front of the tube before you get to feelin’ too very bad. Maybe have some soup and watch “The Hunt for Red October” again. How’s that sound, Charly?
JM That sounds swell, Frank Sinatra, real swell. Thanks.
FS Don’t mention it, junior.
You can count on ol’ Franky.
You see, there at the end, me and the HOD 3000 determined that I was still basically torched and still had time, not only to get ready for my hangover, but to keep the party going a little longer. Once I got home, the HOD 3000 suggested I make myself some broth with sautéed onions and garlic and a nice cup of chamomile tea. After I retched my guts up later, he said a brandy might do the trick. And how, buster. And how.
–Joe Manning
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